Greetings, gentle readers! Today’s post greets you from the streets of sunny Las Vegas, NV, where your faithful brog-writing servant has taken a bit of a staycation. As you may recall from my recent State of the Brog Address, things have been a bit, shall we say… tumultuous? Sure, tumultuous, around here. There has been some turmoil. As Ellen DeGeneres once said on The Tonight Show:
Turmoil? NO, is that what you got from that? Sometimes you don’t seem to be with me, Jay. No, what I’m trying to do is take something positive from it. They say if life gives you lemons make lemonade. It didn’t give me lemons, it gave me a very painful, public, tabloid humiliation… So I was like, how can I make a juice from that? Then I thought, maybe I’m taking this too literally; maybe I don’t have to make some kind of beverage from my hardship. I could make some tasty snack item, I made cookies. I went into the kitchen and just looked what I had. They were very very bitter and, yes, I called them ‘God I’m Lonelies,’ which there was no trademark on, so I got lucky, and the people who did try them didn’t technically ‘enjoy’ them so I didn’t market those. But what I found… was that it took me out of dispair and elevated me into a very, very deep depression. Then I found I was sleeping all the time. I slept through anything, through noise, the alarm clock. Then I found I lost weight from the sheer number of hours of not being awake, and people are always looking to lose weight. So maybe I could market this, I came out with a workout tape called “Sleeping through the Oldies.”
My breakup wasn’t a tremendous public humiliation, but the rest rings a little true. But you know what? I’m really doing okay now, and not because I ate all the God I’m Lonelies (I instead ate all the Haagen-Dazs), but because I decided that I was going to pamper myself better than any boyfriend could. I ordered some lingerie (coming soon!). I started sleeping in frilly nightwear and too small but very boobtacular fancypants bras. I ate a lot of good food, danced with friends, cleaned my apartment, bought and applied many a fancy facial product, and generally decided to live the good life. Broken-hearted friends, I can not recommend this enough. Everyone else, I still can’t recommend this enough. I’m planning on doing a series of Post-Breakup Pampering themed reviews, and while this technically doesn’t fall into that theme, I’m going to include it because step one in getting better is realizing that there is still fun to be had and getting out there to have it. In this spirit, I donned the vibrant lime green Doris top a friend had loaned me and hit downtown Vegas, tourist style.
I chose this shirt for the shoot because it screams good times in a delightfully retro way. I mean, just look at the neckline on this baby.
Suitable for sizing people up…
Seeing the sights…
And even rocking and/or rolling all night and partying ev-e-ry day.
Clearly, this shirt is not for the faint of heart. If you have a figure like mine, you need to be mentally prepared for your boobs to be out there enjoying the sights with you. I couldn’t find a way to wear this without a bra peeking out, so I picked one that matched my shirt, et voila! It’s a contrasting accent. If you are the sort of person for whom this is too big a fashion faux pas to get past, I would highly recommend looking at a different top or at least experimenting with sizing. But if your attitude about modesty is more in line with my own, then you know that sometimes it’s not such a bad thing to flaunt what you’ve got, and for that, this shirt is fabulous.
I absolutely love this. Parking meter? Nope!
It’s a charity donation station benefiting the homeless! Yay!
Overall, I like the side profile of this shirt quite well. The lumpiness in the back is a combination of my pose and my bra band riding up; I think it would sit much better were I just standing like a normal person in a well-fitting bra rather than leaning against the railing of a parking garage because I think the colors are pretty, wearing a band-size too big because DAMN IT’S HARD TO JUST FIND A BRA THAT FITS AGGGHHHH
Sorry. Lost my way there for a moment. Where was I? Oh yes, the shirt, which is lovely. The back caused me some skepticism initially; it has a somewhat hidden zipper that goes from the bottom to midway up, which wasn’t something I’d ever seen on a shirt before. However, putting it on reminded me of the troublesome habit assumptions have of being completely unfounded; the zipper pulls in the waist quite nicely to a fitted but not overly snug profile, and gives the Doris the distinction of being the only shirt – literally – that I have ever found flattering tucked into a skirt. I actually wandered around my apartment for a while looking at various angles of it in different mirrors and exclaiming about it in a pleased but confused fashion. My photographer, who is rather subdued and often speaks like a British person who has mysteriously lost his accent, said something to the effect of, “Yes, quite. That really is rather nice, isn’t it?”
24-Hour steak availability would be heaven to me.
I will eat all the steak.
Not enough Vegas for you? Where are the Mardi Gras beads and Chippendales and Bright Lights, you ask? Alright, fine:
Bright lights, (not so) big city).
Vegas bucketlist items:
Giant Mardi Gras Beads: check.
Huge light-up shoe (one of many): check.
Boobs all over the place: check.
Drive by (photo)shooting of the Chippendales spot, as the fellow running the stand wanted approximately five gazillion dollars for a photograph, wouldn’t let us take one with our own camera even if we paid the full amount, and wasn’t willing to haggle even a little bit regardless of how many I was willing to buy. Refused on principle, even though the Chippendales themselves were quite nice and the pictures hilarious. *grumblegrumblegrumble*
Obviously, the cleavage situation here is pretty extreme:
But it’s Vegas, and I’m newly single, and honestly, I don’t owe anyone an explanation anyway. You know who does, though? This guy, who came up just as I was having my picture taken and put his arm around me, in what is the most extremely brazen photobombing I have ever experienced:
Luckily I was feeling rather jovial and forgiving, so I didn’t, you know, clock this guy in the face or something, but hey, guy, for your own protection: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but that goes as much for the next girl you touch without permission kneeing you in the balls as it does for your anything-goes-Vegas-Party attitude. Ask first, okay? Consent. It’s the best. I’m sure the nice woman you were with will confirm this one.
Anyway, the wrap-up is thus:
1) This top is fun, flirty, and a great shape for skinny pants and pencil skirts. I’m kind of in love.
2) There are a lot of people who would say it doesn’t fit me, but I don’t see another size working better. Smaller wouldn’t fit The Ladies, bigger would be way too baggy in the waist. I am fine with this fit, but it might be over the top for a lot of women. That being said, I’m 100% sure it’s not quite so extreme on less busty women, and I’m guessing that if you have half-cup bras that work for you, you could at least probably find one that wouldn’t show like this. The models on the website all look fantastic in it, even though it fits differently on each of them, and they manage to do so without any bra showing. The bustier models do still have a great deal of cleavage, though.
3) With only the barest hint of stretch (fabric is 97% cotton, 3% spandex) and the zipper really shaping the bottom half of the shirt, you’ll want to watch the measurements on this one.
4) Overall, I really would recommend the Doris Top. I wish I didn’t have to return it to my friend!
5) If you have to be single, Vegas isn’t a terrible place to work that out.
Stay jolly, gentle readers, and live it up a bit. We’ll each be a party of one, but we’ll be in it together. Well, you, me, and Doris…
Photography by David Eckert
Makeup by me but inspired by my usual makeup artist, Elaine Thomas,
without whom I would never have known the joys of orange lipstick.
(link is to red – green does not appear to be currently available)
Style: Casual, could be dressed up for fun, but not business
(Well, I suppose that depends on the business, but I would generally advise against.)
Other colors available: White, Black, Yellow (currently on sale!)
($52 is more than I’ve ever paid in my life for a single shirt, but the value of being able to finally wear my pencil skirts is not lost on me)
(Neckline shape gets 10/10, fit through body 10/10, but inability to avoid bra showing takes off two points, just for us super busty gals)
Fits like: literally nothing else I’ve ever worn, mostly in a good way.
My measurements at the time of the photoshoot: 40/27/38
Other clothing items worn:
*Comexim Jennifer Bra, 65M. Wonderful. Will be reviewing when I get the right size for me, 60N.
*Black Pencil Skirt, H&M, pinned awkwardly in back because I’ve lost weight since buying it (sorry).
* t.u.k. shoes (I call them my Space Shoes), via Buffalo Exchange. Probably sold to Buffalo Exchange because they are hands down the most uncomfortable things I have ever had near my feet, let alone on them. I was shocked. Thisclose to posting picture evidence, but will spare you the horrifying details for now. They’re fun to look at, but DO NOT BUY. You’ll thank me for this later.