Gentle readers! We’re going to take a radical break (in more ways than one) from our normal content today to give you the first in a series of posts inspired by the most bodacious bullet bra I ever accidentally ordered on eBay. This bra was nothing short of terrifying, but brought to mind a certain pop star who was making fashion headlines back in the 80’s. And I just thought… A simple review will not do this monstrosity justice. You have to see it in context. So I planned a party and had a photoshoot with my absolutely fabulous friends, and the result was so delightful that I decided to make it a series on the brog. This first post is just an introduction (because GIFS I LOVE THEM), and then we’ll get to the real bra madness in a post to come shortly. With that in mind, I’d like to introduce you now to the most totally righteous, tubular, gnarly workout video to rock your bod since Jane Fonda’s Kegel Extravaganza! Without further ado, I give you…
Jumpin’ in Lycra!
I know you all just love feeling grody to the max, right? PSYCH! Not even! While bodies of all shapes and sizes are totally tubular, sometimes we don’t feel as rad as we look, and what’s one way to make ourselves feel healthier, like, super quickly? No duh – exercise! We here at CHaPs (California Hardbody Patrol) want to help you feel totally excellent, and so we made this bitchin’ video to get you sweatin’, fist pumpin’, and generally having a great time while getting a totally fresh workout. Let’s take a moment to introduce you to our wicked dancers and instructor! These first four are our main team; they never hold back and do everything to the max:
Danny is by no means up on his fashion. He is always one step behind when it comes to the latest and greatest trends. He’s always scrambling to put together an outfit for a party. To compensate for his lack of fashion knowledge, Danny puts in 200% in effort. People tend to forget that he’s wearing half a garbage bag when they see his high kicks. He’s not quite sure of the moves that he’s doing, but he knows that he is rocking them. Unbeknownst to Danny, he created the shifty elbow, a dance move that’s popular in certain parts of Germany.
Girl With Pants on Head!
Pants-on-head is wickedly into bright colors and Cyndi Lauper and tons of fun. She’s really into Wham, Guy in Short-Shorts, Guy in Popped Collar, and Guy Who Likes Pizza, Girl in front who looks like Jem, Teen-beat, and exercising to Debbie Gibson. In her sparetime, she writes love-stories between her and Brett Michaels, and she works at shoe store where she sells Keds and legwarmers! Also, world-peace. She’s, like, totally into that.
Hey nerds. Name’s Blaine Sorenson. Maybe you’ve heard of me, All-American football and track star at Fairview High? Prom king, class of 83? Yeah, I’m a pretty big deal. These days I’m taking some courses at the JC in Lancaster and workin part time at the Godfather’s off Hwy 12. Just two more paychecks and I’ll be able to buy that sweet sound system for my Trans Am, so yeah, things are looking up. Come say hi if you’re in the area, but don’t even think about beating my high score on Centipede. Never gonna happen!
Okay, so like my name is Sam (don’t call me Samantha) and me and my dad live out by the lumber yard where he works. After my shift at Big Rico’s Pizza is over, I like to head to the local club and dance all night. Come find me in the middle of the dance floor, ladies. The jocks at school are totally jerks to me and the only reason I even volunteered to be the school mascot was to be closer to Jenny McAllister. She’s soooo pretty and popular. I wish I could be (with?) her. I’m gonna be like a famous artist after high school and like travel to Paris and stuff. But right now, I just gotta figure out how I’m gonna pull of getting Boy George to play at prom like I promised the ENTIRE SENIOR CLASS. Me and my big mouth.
These other four dazzling dancers do modified poses, so even if you aren’t in ABSolutely in tip-top shape, you can still follow along and have a rockin’ workout.
Petey is taking court-mandated fitness classes after a recent Sonic Drive-In related assault charge involving his favorite manatee-themed tshirt. His interests include, but are not limited to green plastic storage containers. Petey owes his life to his grandmother, for without her, his mom would have never been born, and therefore he would never have been born, and he is really glad that he was born. Petey is upset that the Roy Rogers chain of hamburger restaurants are forced to live in the shadow of the golden arches, as their Fixins bar is a far superior method of burger toppings than those offered at other fast food establishments, and one day hopes to meet a manager from one of the Roy Rogers hamburger restaurants locations.
Becky spends her nights dancing to The Psychedelic Furs and New Order, since they totally get her. She prefers deep music, profound books, writing poetry and older guys who also, like, totally get her. Currently, Becky works at the used record store, saving all of her money to one day visit the grave of Ian Curtis in England, you know where the men are way hotter, but that’s after she gets out of that pretentious, tedious hell hole called high school where they make you participate in ridiculous exercise classes proving that absolutely no one gets her.
Hi, my name is Ethan and around this town, everybody knows me. My dad owns a dealership and yeah, it IS as rad as it sounds. My hobbies include Lacrosse and cheerleaders who like to listen to me talk about Lacrosse. If I could sum up my life in one word, it would be ‘Totally Awesome’.
Kimmy would have written a bio, but she couldn’t reach the top of the desk where the keyboard is. We have it on good authority that she is the president of the chess club and loves those shirts that are all heat sensitive so you can like leave hand prints on them and stuff.
And last but not least, we have our fabulous instructor, the lovely…
Lisa Lisa Lauper!
Lisa Lisa is an avid, almost obsessive fitness enthusiast, and is the proud owner of the world’s largest collection of step aerobics steps. She loves to work out to A-Ha, Blondie, and Heart (or to watch Jem and the Holograms while she runs on the treadmill) and her favorite color is fluorescent (although she also has crazy love for neon)! Lisa’s hair color changes with the zodiak calendar and she never says no to a milkshake or a slice of pizza.
Lisa Lisa and her friends can’t wait to work out with you! So get ready to pop in that VHS tape, because Jumpin’ in Lycra is coming your way before you know it…
P.S. Why are we in high school, why are these all written from different perspectives, and why are some of them known only by their main attributes, rather than by name? It’s because my friends are hilarious and I asked them to write their own intros without giving them any concrete guidelines. Whoops! Heh. I love them all and just plain don’t want to change them, so that’s what’s here. I hope you’re having as much fun as I am!
P.P.S. I also know that my title references a song from the 60’s. Whatevs. People were still singing it in the 80’s.
P.P.P.S. Credit where credit is most certainly due:
Danny – Mark Valentin
Girl With Pants on Head – Tamra Lampkey
Blaine Sorenson/Sunglasses Guy – Beau Pignatello
Sam (not Samantha) – Amanda Shore
Petey – Ross Horvitz
Becky Buttcheeks – Eleanor Flynn
Ethan – Josef Norgen
Kimmy – Jamie Woodard
Lisa Lisa Lauper – Miss Shapen, of course. *grins*